Director: Ben Wheatley
Writers: Amy Jump, Alice Lowe, Steve Oram
Actors: Alice Lowe, Steve Oram, Eileen Davis, John Hurt
Are you one of the 54%
of holidaymakers who opted to embark on a Caravan holiday in the UK last year,
instead of joining the other thousands of Brits on their annual pilgrimage to
Majorca or Benidorm? Do you like to keep your vacations low cost? Maybe your an
environmental aficionado who likes to maintain a low carbon footprint and/or
just incredibly passionate about everything that the great country of the United Kingdom has to offer- so then you’d probably enjoy a classic British Caravan
holiday: spending quality time with your loved ones. Moving on- however do you often find your Caravan
to be to cramped, and the sight of your (hypothetical) partner after a week of
living in such conditions makes you cringe at the sight of them? Well Ben
Wheatleys 2012 film “Sightseers” will help you keep the romance alive on all
your caravan travels. It is a British, very serious guide, to cohabiting in a
caravan. The best part is it gives you extreme examples so you know how to
handle everything (including what lingerie to pack, ladies) for your trip. Read
on…
So Wheatleys
protagonists include a travel virgin (who has never left the comfort of home),
a professional serial killer (the word professional is the important part- obviously there’s
no way you could travel with an amateur- as you will later discover), and a
dog. Literally, what Ben Wheatley has done is taken all the possible issues one
could face when setting out on or mid way through a Caravan holiday and
shown an audience how to deal with them. I must warn you however, about 95% of
the time the answer is to kill the person who has been a nuisance to you; so if
you are not comfortable with this, then this is not the guidance you need.
Lets start at the
beginning.
“Mint me”
- Chris, ‘Sightseers’ (2012)
Step 1) Be prepared to
leave family behind.
Wheatleys example: Tina
is going on her first ever holiday with her boyfriend, Chris. Her mum, is a
doting mother, very over protective and is totally right (as mothers generally
tend to be) when she calls Chris a murderer outright- no mother wants to see there baby go off
with a killer. But the first step of setting out on your perfect holiday is
risking this. you should take a leap, and defend the rumours, remember you are in love. As Tina says, the murder Chris committed was only
an accident.
Step 2) Pack the
essentials for that romantic trip.
Wheatleys example: Tina
knows what to pack. Chris has clearly been on Caravan holidays before so tells
her to pack all the boring stuff, food, waterproofs etc. Tina adds one more, paving the way to
any mans heart- knitted lingerie with easy access. Sexy. Ladies make sure you
pack your best.
Step 3) Enjoy the
scenery.
Wheatleys example: Tina
and Chris had meticulously planned every stop of there trip and pin pointed all
the places on a map, including some very exciting activities such as the
Pencil museum. So I suppose step 3a is to make sure you organise exciting
activities otherwise you’ll just get bored. Step 3b ENJOY IT. There is nothing
worse than people who do not respect English heritage sites. There are several
rules that you need to follow: do not litter, otherwise Chris will kill you; do
not be overly pretentious about your caravan (some people may not have as much
money as you) and if you do, Chris will kill you. Lastly, do not lecture Chris
on how to respect English heritage sites; otherwise, he will kill you.
Step 4) Take inspiring photos.
This is the holiday you have been dreaming about so take good snaps to remind you of it. Wheatleys example: Chris steals an other persons memory card. This is so he can look through the photos and see what kind of angles they are using also for all kind of pictures, landscapes, romantic, sometimes you have to document these things. Use all your resources.
Step 5) Defend your
partners honour.
On your journey you will
meet a lot of people, some will be nice and pleasant who share the same
interests as you and others will be dickheads. Wheatleys example: Chris kills for
Tinas honour, he was defending her, obviously. Tina becomes Chris muse for his
novel, this is a sign of respect in a relationship your partner should always be your
muse, your inspiration In addition Chris is helping the carbon footprint by getting rid of
people and therefore lowering emissions. As a part b to step 5 make sure your
partner is enjoying there holiday at all times ie Tina and Chris both ask each
other at the end: “Have you had a good holiday?” thus making sure the experience is not to
overwhelming and they have both had a good time. It's not so romantic if your
other half is thinking about back home.
In conclusion Tina and Chris
are pioneers of true love. If you follow all the examples above and watch
Wheatleys film, you too, could have the perfect romantic British Caravan
holiday. Good luck.
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