Wednesday 14 November 2012

There's nothing dark lurking in these shadows


Tim Burtons latest directing project “Dark Shadows” (2012) seems to have failed to win over viewers. This is due to two reasons: firstly, people seem to be getting tired of seeing Johnny Depp in Tim Burton films and secondly, avid viewers of the television series from the 1970s that the film is based on, are disappointed in Burtons’ lighthearted take on the supposedly dark tale. Nevertheless with a star studded cast and Burton being in his cinematographic comfort zone surely the film can’t all be that bad?

So here’s the basic plot: Johnny Depp plays Baranabas Collins, the son of a wealthy family who move from England to America to make their fortune. The Collins family set up a small fishing village called Collinsport in Maine where they also build the family home, Collinwood. Barnabas initiates a relationship with the enchanting maid Angelique (Eva Green) who unfortunately turns out to be a witch.  Baranabas falls in love with another woman, Josette. Angelique, in a jealous rage, puts a curse on the Collins family that turns Baranabas into a vampire, imprisons him in a coffin and forces him to live with losing his true love, Josette, for all eternity. A century passes, it's 1972, the Collins family has lost their power in Collinsport and Angelique is now running the town. 

There are some strange characters now residing in Collinswood: Michelle Pfeiffer plays Elizabeth Collins Stoddard who is having trouble maintaining her grip on the family, Chloë Mortez plays her daughter Carolyn Stoddard, and Helena Boham Carter plays the resident psychiatrist Dr. Julia Hoffman.  There are some other characters, but all in all the family is dysfunctional and ‘quirky’. Meanwhile some construction workers accidently stumble on Baranabas’ coffin and free him. On his return to Collinwood, Barnabas is on a mission to return the Collin’s family business to its former glory whilst trying to bring down Angelique. Depp, Pfeiffer, Green and Boham-Carter do a fantastic job playing their assigned characters, but I wouldn’t have expected anything different, and Chloë Mortez does a questionable portrayal of a 1970s teenager who seems to be constantly stoned without smoking anything.  Yet it is clear why Burton choose these high profile actors, as without them the film would have probably flopped completely.

The plot is weak, in no way ‘dark’, and falls down some obvious pitfalls that have led the film to receive only two or three stars on review sites. The narrative does, sort of, start off bleak and mysterious like the television series; there’s tragedy, death, murder, black magic and the viewer feels Baranabas’ pain as his world crumbles around him. However once the story moves into 1972, the serious tone projected in the television series is forgotten and the film becomes lighthearted with the viewer being subjected to hearing script lines that are silly and moronic, written by John August and Seth Grahame-Smith.  

The change to the light hearted tone could be due to Grahame-Smith not wanting “Dark Shadows” to compete with the other ridiculous vampire film released this year, “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”. Safe to say the witty lines, mainly used in the trailer, are spread thinly over the course of the film.  Another pitfall is the use of the very obvious choice of 1970s tracks in the soundtrack mixed with a score composed by the Grammy Award winning, Danny Elfman, who took inspiration from the original television score, and 1970s jukebox classics. The outcome is an omnipresent cheesy mash-up that contradicts the dark vampire tale of blood thirsty love and revenge. The songs chosen are songs that are too obvious and even an appearance from Alice Cooper doesn’t seem to add any vibes to the film, apart from begging the question: when will this film end?

Nevertheless, the main reason “Dark Shadows” fails to make any impressions is because it is not memorable. Overall, it is a boring film and followers of Tim Burton’s work will not see anything new. I myself, am usually a fan of Tim Burton’s directing exploits but even for Burton standards “Dark Shadows”, I’m sorry to say, fails to deliver. So, in the words spoken by Johnny Depp in the film: “I’m terribly sorry, you cannot imagine how thirsty I am”, well, I’m thirsty for Tim Burton to sink his teeth into something fresh that will astonish me. However with the announcement of a production of “Beetlejuice 2” on the cards, it seems Burton is going back to his roots and proves that he is not ready to leave his comfort zone, just yet. 


Saturday 10 November 2012

Julie Delpy's “2 days in New York” (2012)



Julie Delpy’s quirky and incredibly French alter ego, Marion, invites an audience to New York City to spend another two hectic days with her and her wacky relatives in her new film “2 Days in New York” (2012). This film is the sequel to “2 Days in Paris” (2007) starring Julie Delpy and Adam Goldberg.  Julie Delpy not only stars in both films but also directed and wrote the scripts; and it is safe to say that Delpy does not write your average rom-com. After experiencing “2 Days in Paris” I knew that the two-day madness in New York I was going to witness after pressing that play button, was going to be full of witty lines, French banter and awkward real life scenarios.

Even if you haven’t seen the prequel, the plot of “2 days in New York” is fairly easy to follow. The audience is invited into Marion’s apartment in New York where she is now living with her son from ex-boyfriend Jack, Lulu, her new boyfriend, Mingus (played by Chris Rock), and his daughter from a previous marriage, Willow. Into this full house, Marion invites her father and sister over from Paris to spend a few days together.  

The screws begin to loosen as soon as Marion’s father lands in New York and he gets detained for four hours after trying to smuggle in thirty pounds of sausage. In addition, Marion’s sister Rose, is now dating Marion’s ex-boyfriend Manu, and has brought him on this holiday without thinking of the consequences. Marion describes Rose to Mingus as an ‘ex-nympho,’ and Mingus is subjected to Rose’s charms as she struts around the house naked within seconds of meeting him.  Obviously with an unconventional family like this, problems soon arise, and the tension between Marion and Mingus grows as he becomes more frustrated with the frankness of Marion’s family. The film contains: open conversations about sex, an art show about fading relationships, Marion selling her soul and a few Thai massages to try and relax everyone.

Delpy is a great storyteller, mainly because she focuses on two themes that the audience can relate to: love and family relationships.  In “2 Days in Paris” the viewer meets her parents for the first time and Marion speaks about the success of her two-year relationship with Jack but she has problems committing. Jack describes Marion in Paris like a hamster, 'collecting men like nuts'. 

In “2 days in New York” the audience can see the development of Marion’s character, who is now thirty-eight, and in a more mature relationship with Mingus, possibly inspired by her parents’ many years of marriage. In New York the audience sees more of a glimpse of the troubles of family life, as Marion is dealing with the death of her mother.  Moreover, anyone who has grown up in an international family with different languages and cultures will relate to the perfect, although sometimes clichéd, representations that Delpy has written in.  

Delpy’s films work because they run at the pace of life and awkward conversations take place over the most mundane tasks, like making a cup of coffee or picking up breakfast.  Julie Delpy proves that a film does not always need to contain epic, action sequences with special effects or scary dragons as she states, that sometimes, “life is way harder to handle than any dragon.” “2 Days in New York” definitely confirms this statement, and is just as action packed with doses of explosive reality as any Hollywood action movie. 



*note: I originally wrote this article for an online publication but as it has been taken down there I decided to post here, so apologies if you have already read it! 

Still (only) a Young Adult


LETS GET BACK TO THIS BLOGGING BUSINESS.

“You don’t know shit about being an adult.”
- Diablo Cody

But who ever fully learns how to be an adult?

Being in the same position as thousands of other graduates in this current job climate definitely takes its toll. Especially being on the receiving end of not-so-constructive, bordering on ridiculous, criticism such as: dressed too casual, dressed too smart, looked too serious, and the personal favorite, ‘too ambitious.' Thus my self worth has taking a brutal bashing over these past months. Thankfully, cinema offers an escape and most of the films I raved about last month have hit the big screens.  YES! However I haven't had the chance to see any of them yet (dammit).

One person that I hadn’t heard from recently was Diablo Cody, the writer of the Oscar winning “Juno” in 2010. I thought; ‘she writes films about young teen/ adolescent women who are having massive life issues in quirky and funny ways- why not watch some of her stuff to lift me out of my slump. So I decided to watch Cody’s film “Young Adult” (2011), directed by Jason Reitman – and it really did make me feel so much better, lift my mood and make me think: ‘thank god my life isn’t like Charlize Theron’s character.'

“Young Adult” (2011) is about Mavis Gary (Charlize Theron), a woman in her late 30s and in the mist of a mid life crisis. She is recently divorced and unable to make it as a famous writer. She is currently a ghostwriter for a series of Young Adult fiction, a job which she has held for a couple of years. At the beginning, Mavis appears to be a person who, although complains a lot, is living the life that she has always wanted. She is living in the big city- in this case Minneapolis, which compared to the little town Mavis comes from, is the big city; she has no attachments like a 9-5 job, or a husband; and a beautiful modern apartment.

Being a ghostwriter for a series of Young Adult literature, Mavis is used to writing in a particular style that is marketed for ages between twelve and eighteen. This particular readership group can usually relate to the protagonist within YA (Young Adult) novels, who also tends to be within this age bracket. The genre focuses on a range of themes such as identity, sexuality, drug and substance abuse, bullying, and family troubles. Essentially they are coming of age stories, about youth rebellion and finding 'ones self', the transition from troubled teenager to affluent adult.  Cody's “Young Adult” film embodies all those themes but the protagonist is not within the above age bracket, she doesn't go through any real transition at all, and there are definitely no life lessons learnt throughout the film.

Mavis doesn’t fully realize until the end of the film that she might be unhappy and a bit mentally unstable.  Her daily routine comprises of her waking up, writing a couple of lines or staring at a blank page, playing the WII, and eating her way through a nutritious array of ready meals. Her life is thrust back into gear as she receives a picture of her ex-high school boyfriend, Buddy Slades, newborn baby, and she decides to pack her bags and head back home to her old small town of Mercurary, Minnesota, to try and win Buddy back, despite the fact that he has just become a father and is happily married.

There are several clues that indicate that Mavis may not be emotionally stable- okay, okay so throughout the whole film the viewer is waiting for Mavis to have her mental breakdown. It’s a good breakdown- in the sense that it provides good entertainment value: its awkward, upsetting, yet funny and just plain embarrassing, which brings me back to my point- thank God my life is better than Charlize Therons character.

Marvis is stuck in the past, unable to see beyond the bounds of her high school years when she was in her prime. She cannot understand why her popularity is wearing thin. Her inability to move forward is highlighted in several ways: she constantly replays the same song that Buddy gave to her on a mix tape years before, ‘the concept’ by Teenage Fanclub, she listens in to teenagers giving advice about relationships, she wears hello kitty t-shirts, ignores all of the responsibilities an adult should have and finally whats the strongest clue that she is mentally instable? She persistently watches episodes of the Kardashians.

If the viewer is looking for a film with some form of conclusion, a finale, a happy-ending then “Young Adult” (2011) is…not the film. The whole film is stuck in a time zone and many/ almost all of the characters don’t make any progress in their lives. As per usual Charlize Theron creates a great character that the viewer will love to hate. The film delivers funny witty lines written by Cody and in conclusion is watchable but probably not the most memorable film you will watch in your life. 


*note: since writing this entry I'm officially out of the rat race to find a permanent job. So many people to thank! Thus my woes may officially be over...for now anyway.

Friday 7 September 2012

And the list keeps growing...

The list of films that I cannot wait to see just keeps growing! Watch out for Monty Pythons: "A Liar's Autobiography" this autumn.

Oh and it's animated old chaps, it's animated.


Tuesday 28 August 2012

More films to watch out for...

For the past few days I've had incredibly bad writers block, its been so bad,  that I couldn't even collate a sentence together. BUT NO MORE. I've made a promise to be more productive with my days, and so today actually I posted 4 more tweets than usual- I'm now unstoppable. I think my writers block was mainly due to reading the disappointing news that Baz Luhrmann's new film, "The Great Gatsby" was being postponed until summer 2013. So, I've been on a mission to discover any other new releases that may be able to fill the void. Here is my updated list:

"The Hobbit" (2012)

Oh man, how have I neglected to mention this film? The classic J.R.R Tolkien novel, 'The Hobbit' has been turned into a film. Directed by Peter Jackson and with a screenplay adapted by the likes of Peter Jackson and Guillermo del Toro. The cast is ample with amazing actors such as Benerdict Cumberbatch, Orlando Bloom, Cate Blanchett, Elijah Wood, Ian McKellen, Billy Connelly. Simulary to Lord of the Rings, its set out to be a classic and simply a darn good film. Admittingly I have never been a fan of Lord of the Rings but for some reason 'The Hobbit' has always been one of my favourite pieces of literature. Here is the trailer:


"Skyfall"(2012)

James Bond. 007. Returns. I've heard it's better than "Quantum of Solace" (2010). That's all I need to know.


"Cirque du Soleil- World's away" (2012)

I vividly remember going to see Cirque du Soleil perform at the Royal Albert Hall in London, several years ago. they were touring with their show, "Alegria" and I was captivated and confused at the same time. Questions like How? Whaaa? and phrases like 'Holy crap!' were expressed as the show progressed and I still remember the theme song (not only because a friend of mine had it as her bridal entrance music to her wedding) The colours, the music (sung in different languages- everyone is included) the acrobats with hoops and other various props, the men in tights- it was a hell of a show so I'm certain this film will be just as exceptional:



"Great Expectations" (2012)

After the amazing television adaptation that was on British screen last christmas I'm unsure whether the film will live up to the series's name. Directed by Mike Newell and starring some...names: such as Helena Bonham Carter, Jason Flemyng, Robbie Coltrane and David Walliams (it's true, imdb doesn't lie). I love the storyline of "Great Expectations" and it is one of my favourite Dickens novels but i'm unsure whether it is the right time for this film to come out relative close to the TV series. Hmm thoughts? Here is the trailer:


I believe I've managed to convince myself that the late release of "The Great Gatsby" (2013) will not leave a black hole in the films-I-must-see list as there seems to be many other films to come and fill the gap.

Tuesday 14 August 2012

The 'It' Girl: a tribute to Clara Bow

Unfortunately I have to start this post by dishing up a slice of sad pie, as the release date of Baz Luhrmann's "The Great Gatsby" (which was meant to be 2012), and one of the five films I was très excited about in my previous post, has been postponed to summer 2013. It is thought to be because Baz Luhrmann was worried about the film having too much competition with the other suspected oscar nominated films. It's such a shame, as the promotional campaign was going great and I was getting so ready to commit to wearing 1920s flapper dresses and decadent deco jewellery. Lets just hope that people remember the film by Summer 2013. Well, from a 21st century representation of the golden era to a brilliant actress who actually lived in the 1920s, the beautiful Clara Bow. Technically it would of made more sense to post this entry on my birthday, the 29th July, as it just so happens that this silent movie diva's birthday was also on the 29th July- but no matter, her films can be enjoyed any day or year, and therefore here is my review on her silent film "IT" (1927)

- "What is 'IT'?...
...Self-confidence and indifference as to whether you are pleasing or not~ and something in you that gives the impression that you are not all cold. That's 'IT'!"
~"IT", 1927
"It" (1927) is simply divine, as they used to say back in the 1920s. It's a film where Clara Bow rips her day dress and transforms it into a fabulous evening dress, the prices at the Ritz Hotel range from $2.00- $4.00 instead of the prices for tea being over $16.00, and Clara Bow's character has the incredible flapper name, Betty Lou Spence. It is a silent film but Clara Bow's facial expressions speak volumes. Clara Bow plays a simple shop girl in a department store when she meets a Monty, who claims she has "It", and sex appeal, and so as any gentleman would do, he takes her out to dinner. Whilst at dinner, at the Ritz of course, she meets Mr Waltham: a dashing man who happens to be the owner of the department store. Bow and Waltham fall in love with each other. However there is a problem, not only does Bow come from the lower class but she lives with a friend who is a single mother. Somehow a story leaks in the press that the baby is Clara's. However, Waltham later finds out it has all been a misunderstanding and can't help but fall back in love with the charming Clara. They end up together and discover that they are 'just a couple of It-less Its!"

The film however is not so lighthearted as it originally appears and covers some risky issues. In those days a mother raising a baby by herself was frowned upon but the film takes the subject matter in its stride. The mother of the child looks stressed but she continues to raise her child and Clara seems to have no qualms about the situation her friend is in stating: "poverty is no disgrace until meddling neighbours hear of it." The men's reaction to Clara being a single, working mother is well interpreted as they look frightened and try to avoid Clara until they discover that the baby isn't hers. The film has a happy-go-lucky feel to it and even though it is a silent film, and I know silents are not a popular choice, the film manages to convey such expression with no need for words, yet telling the story so well that the viewer can't help but fall in love with Clara Bow either: "she's a ripping sort, really! She's positively top-heavy with 'IT'," and thats how Bow will always be remembered. 

Wednesday 1 August 2012

Five films that I'm excited about

The British summer as good as it's ever going to be, the Olympics are in full swing, and I am amongst many other graduates who are thousands of pounds in debt. Life definitely has its ups and downs but right now my life seems to have stopped with nothing exciting happening at all. But there is a silver lining- or there will be over the next few months/ entering 2013- and here are the five reasons/ or rather five films that I'm hoping will lift my spirits in the future:

1) The new Tarantino movie, "Django Unchained" (2013):

I've already blogged about the legend of the Django character and it all he represents- and this combined with the quirky directing of Tarantino= exciting.

2) I discovered that Anne Hathaway can actually sing and so it is perfectly okay for her to star in Tom Hooper's adaptation of my favourite musical "Les miserables" (2012):
When I first watched this trailer I became dubious about how the musical was going to be adapted on film as the stage production is so amazing (i've seen it twice and would definitely see it again). Seeing Anne Hathaway in the part of Fantine, singing 'I dreamed a dream', came as a bit of a surprise but after some research into Anne Hathaway's singing abilities I'm confident she'll do a great job of portraying such a broken character. Also, for those worried about the other cast members singing capabilities, keep calm and click here.

3) Leo DiCaprio is not only starring in the upcoming "Django Unchained" but he's also portraying F. Scott Fritzgerald's famous Jay Gatsby character in Baz Luhrmann adaptation of the famous novel, "The Great Gatsby" (2012) alongside Carey Mulligan and Isla Fisher:

DiCaprio has indeed been a busy bee. But there is a downside to this film, mainly due to Tobey Maguire just being in the film. Apart from that blip the trailer looks promising and Luhrmann seems to have captured the roaring twenties decadence in his own style and looking nothing like the previous release of the story in 1974 with Mia Farrow and Robert Redford.

4) There is the prospect of Keira Knightley winning an Oscar this year with Joe Wright's "Anna Karenina" (2012):
Although I find Kinghtley's constant pouting in her films terribly annoying, and that added onto the fact that she has starred in a film this year with the unfunny Steve Carrell in "Seeking a friend for the end of the world" 2012 (which I haven't seen yet but it has received mixed reviews) means that my admiration for Knightley wavers. However the trailer for "Anna Karenina" (2012) intrigues me and although I haven't read Tolstoy's novel, yet I believe it is going to be an exceptional adaptation from the speculation around this film. Moreover critics have stated that this is going to be one of Knightly's less stiff performances so lets hope its done with a little less pouting.

5) Finally, the last reason I'm continue to look forward to the future of film and probably the most bizarre reason, is going to see James Franco becoming the Wizard of Oz. Seriously, he portrays the wonderful, maybe not so magical, Wizard and tells the tale about how the wizard came to reside in the emerald city in Sam Raimi's "Oz: The great and powerful" (2013):
Word of warning: the trailer may not appeal to everyone and some people will be doubting the directing ability of Sam Raimi (mainly after "Spiderman 3" (2007) and that awkward dance scene... let's not discuss it again). Moving on, "Oz: The great and Powerful"(2013) is considered to be the prequel to "The Wizard of Oz" (1939) and the film has some great cast members; with the brilliant James Franco who always does a great job in any role he is cast in; Michelle Williams;  Mila Kunis and Rachel Weisz. What lets the film down is its concept and that could spell disaster for Frank L. Baum's classic tale of Dorothy and her sparkly red shoes, but the broadway musical "Wicked" has been faring pretty well, so let's just hope that Franco can pull off the story of the Wizard.

So there you have it, the release of these five films in the near future are pushing me to continue to power through the post-university blues. Funnily enough, it is ironic that on a blog post where I am looking forward to the future, all the five films that i've mentioned are costume/ period dramas that are set in the past or a fantasy land. In addition 4 out of the 5 films are adaptations of a famous novels with "Django Unchained" taking inspiration from old Spaghetti westerns- thus the influence of classic literature and old film is going to be hard to miss in the upcoming film industry and so, if I haven't already mentioned, I'm bloody excited.

Sunday 22 July 2012

Short but Sweet review: Limitless (2011)

Director: Neil Burger
Script: Leslie Dixon (screenplay), Alan Glynn (novel)
Starring: Bradley Cooper, Robert De Niro, Anna Friel, and Abbie Cornish

When it was originally released, the concept of "Limitless" (2011) did intrigue me, and now, having finally watched the film, I am having trouble remembering why. Here it is:


The trailer draws you in, and combined with Kanye Wests song 'Power' it leaves the viewer willing to spend the extra hundred and two minutes of their time to watch the entire film.  In his song, Kanye West states: 'no one man should have all that power', and in "Limitless" Bradley Cooper  proves Mr West right as Cooper demonstrates that he should not be given any sort of power, in pill form or otherwise, as he doesn't have a clue how to use it in an entertaining way.

The film is based on the techno-thriller novel, "The Dark Fields" by Alan Glynn. Bradley Cooper plays Edward Morra, a struggling writer who is having trouble keeping up with fast paced New York city. He hasn't written a word of his book, he is divorced with an ex-wife and then dumped by his new girlfriend at the start of the film; with no motivation and enthusiasm his life is grey and this is highlighted through the use of blue/grey tint in the frames in the cinematography. After a chance encounter with his ex-brother in law he is introduced to a new drug known as NZT, which he has been led to believe was FDA approved and had passed clinical trials. According to sources, NZT enhances brain usage and allows the user to access information and old memories and extort it to their best advantage. Yes, it sounds all very scientifically plausible. Morra takes the clear pill and his outlook on life changes (along with the cinematography, as the colours in the frame brighten up with warm yellow and orange tones in contrast to the grey). It turns out the pill hasn't been tested at all, and soon Morra becomes addicted. However whilst on NZT, Morra manages to finish his book, get his girlfriend back, learn several languages, and win over various influential people helping him land a high profile job in the stock market. The downside to the drug however is that it can send the brain into overload- so the users memory becomes disconnected and oh... if you do not continue to take the drug you become critically ill and die.

The marketing team who spread the word about the film  went to great lengths not just to promote the film but they also created a website advertising the drug itself. The website for NZT looks incredibly professional and would definitely succeed in convincing people to buy into the product. If anything, NZT is a reflection of the many drugs that people consume today: there's the cups of coffee providing the energy to wake up in the mornings, the cigarettes to take a de-stresing break in their busy schedules, and the easily accessible paracetamol to reduce the headaches. It is just how the world works nowadays- everyone is unwillingly relying on some sort of drug. This is highlighted in the film by the fact that the pill is clear, giving the impression that anything could be inside it. Nevertheless the (slight) reference to how people fuel their daily lives does not mask the fact that the film itself is lacking in-well- pretty much everything that a decent film requires. 

Firstly the narrative is flawed: drugs for an aspiring writer? how original! But then Morra's writing and his novel seem to take a back seat and then he moves into finance. Of course! where else would an aspiring writer go? Granted it is where the money is, but he has all these capabilities with enhanced brain usage and he is in a film where the possibilities are (sorry for saying) limitless and he chooses to go into finance? how dull. The film is very predictable and as the famous saying goes: 'mo money, mo problems', and sure enough Morra is led into trouble. He is being followed by a random killer stalker who seems to lose interest at the end of the film, and at the same time Morra is being chased by a Russian money lender, who also becomes addicted to NZT and begins injecting the drug instead, as it gets into the blood stream faster (side note: if the drug really did enhance brain usage why didn't Morra jump on the injecting bandwagon). For me, however, the most ridiculous part of the film was when Morra has to drink the blood flowing out of the shot moneylenders' body to survive, as the blood contains (aswell as other fluids) NZT in it. Yep it happens, and it makes me cringe inside.

The films flawed story line is not the only reason why the film doesn't deliver. Bradley Coopers acting leaves a lot to be desired. From the concept of the film I imagine him to be a cross between a drug fuelled Hunter S. Thomson character and slick Christian Bale in "American Psycho" (2000). Cooper was neither and overall rather bland as a character; he is boring on and off the drug and is really lacking in character definition making it hard for the viewer to form an opinion and like him. The script is not witty (in the slightest) and lacked the sophisticated 'hard' edge that the film seems to desperately seek. For other ways in which "Limitless" is flawed click here. Finally, and possibly the defining moment in which I decided there was no way I could enjoy the film ever again, was when Bradley Cooper talks down to Robert De Niro. Please. How ridiculous is that? So for a film with a drug that claims to boast a 'recipe for grandeur' it falls short on its promise and doesn't offer a "sparkling cocktail of useful information" as Cooper claims it does in the film. 

Verdict: Disappointing. Maybe watch, if you've literally got absolutely not-a-thing to do with your life.